Distractions and Worrying.

I’m a worrier.  I’m also easily distracted.  As such, it’s been a hard week.  I think I have a new job lined up.  Which is a good thing.  However, it will be a few weeks before I start so I have a lot of free time.  Time to worry.  I wonder if the new job will actually work out.  I hope it does because I hate looking for work.  I also have time to worry about what I should be doing.  Or what I want to do.  School?  Move?  I just don’t don’t know.

On top of that, and more worrisome, one of my dogs has been sick this week.  I know it’s a silly thing, but it’s all I can think about.  I have an unhealthy fear of loving then losing.  So, for the last few days I’ve been frantic on the inside with  fear and worry.  I can’t concentrate on anything.  It drives me to distraction.  Makes me grouchy.  Moody.  Tired.  

I think faith is a funny thing.  In a way it’s unpredictable or unreliable.  I know that it is not, but rather it’s us.  I believe that we lost more in the Garden of Eden than we could ever imagine.  Adam and Eve were perfect.  At the junction where their souls and flesh intertwined there was no disruption.  They were perfectly blended.  Their physical bodies didn’t betray their spiritual selves.  Body and spirit worked together in harmony.  Obviously they still had the capacity to be tempted but until they sinned their default mode was physical and spiritual perfection.

The curse of their legacy to us is that the perfect union between body and soul was cast down.  Faith seems to be unreliable because I am unreliable.  Has anyone else noticed this?  On Monday “X” could happen to me and I’m able to take it in stride.  To master it spiritually.  To be in control.  To be able to say all the right things, do all the right things, believe all the right things.  It’s very comforting.

Next day the same exact “X” could happen again.  But I woke up on the wrong side of the bed.  I don’t feel good.  I’m feeling blue.  Sometimes for no discernible reason.  It’s a mystery.  However, for whatever reason, on this day “X” owns me.  The verses which soothed me yesterday now seem distant.  Improbable.  In fact my struggle with “X” whether it’s a temptation, an anxiety, an emotion or a disruption in a relationship seems to block out everything I know to be true.  It’s very uncomforting.

Isn’t it strange how there are days we can handle everything in just the right way, like Jesus, and then there are days where it appears nothing “spiritual” is working?  While Adam and Eve enjoyed perfect harmony between their flesh selves and spirit selves I sometimes feel as those realities within me are in a constant state of war.  My default mode is much more tense than I believe their’s was.  At least until they sinned. 

I love John.  He was related to Jesus.  Knew Jesus.  Proclaimed Jesus to be the Lamb of God.  Baptized Jesus.  Got out of the way for Jesus.  Heard God say, “This is my beloved Son.”  And when times got hard for him he wondered if he had got it all wrong.  He had one of those days.  Like I have from time to time.

I love Jesus more.  Because he loved John without condemnation.  Jesus recognized that some days we conquer dragons, and other days simply getting out of bed requires the same courage.  He wasn’t offended by John’s doubts.    In a way I can’t express adequately I think Jesus saw the doubts as faith itself. 

So, as I say, it’s been a hard week.  I’m worried sick about my dog and anxious about my future.  My faith this week is not measured by doing and believing great things for God.  It’s measured by getting out of bed and thinking about God from time to time.  I know that sounds awful, but it’s true.

When I pray this week I pray the words of a song Rich Mullins wrote, “Lord save me from contempt for the things which make me strong.”  I like that.

Have a blessed day.

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